What Would Jesus Do (If He Were a Republican)?

I've been following politics for 25 years now, and in that time, it has always been the case that Republicans claim Jesus as one of their own.

The Religious Right, that hate-filled social conservative movement comprised of angry, orgasm-denied housewives and their dominant, closet-case husbands, has since the dark days of Reagan entwined fundamentalist Christianity with conservative politics. This has been, predictably, to the detriment of the general welfare of the United States. By every standard available, middle class American life has gotten worse, not better, under the rule of our American Taliban. The same can be said for the poor, who are probably one more Republican stolen election away from either starving to death or rising up and slaying these bastards, assuming they can get the necessary aristocat-hunting permits from the local Walmart. I believe the proper season is aligned with deer hunting season, but I could be wrong. So we find ourselves in this bizarre world where a majority, or at least a vocal minority, in this country is openly aligned with the cause of freedom at any cost: freedom from taxation of any kind, freedom from regulation of any kind, freedom to own bazookas and nuclear weapons, freedom to pollute and despoil the Earth, freedom to destroy the economy, and of course, the freedom to wear pointy hats and call the president an "arrogant Kenyan" or whatever codeword for n***** the rightwing is using this week. OK. Well, unless you're after anarchy and total social chaos, you need some sort of functioning government. These governments take money to operate. I suppose we could eschew taxes and simply print money each year, inflating the economy but avoiding asking billionaires to contribute to the system that made them billionaires. There's some wiggle room here. As for regulations, well, I don't know about you, but I prefer meat that is actual meat. I like the FDA, when it does its job. I take several medications regularly, and I enjoy knowing that the ingredients are precisely what they claim to be. I prefer clean air and clean water. I don't want to see the ice caps melt and most of DC buried under a permanent lake. (Scratch that...) And as far as guns go, there has to be some middle ground with the Second Amendment, right? Or do you really believe people have the right to machine guns and tanks and ballistic missiles? Although, I suppose those weapons would come in handy when I get my hands on the greedy banksters who destroyed the economy and the country and who manage to escape any form of justice. There is something to be said for sexy vigilantism. The First Amendment, of course, protects you from being prosecuted for being a racist, and it also lets you believe in things like magical snakes who doom humanity, virgins who give birth to babies so they can be murdered to atone for that snake's treachery, and of course, invisible sky friends who care which holes I stash my private parts in. I suppose we can let the obvious racism slide, since, like the gays, you were apparently born that way. Those are the freedoms they support. Freedoms they conveniently overlook include the right to consensual sex, the right to abortion, the right to control one's own body, the right to ingest drugs, the right to marry your life partner, the right to have a quiet military funeral (I'm looking at you, Fred Phelps, you miserable POS), the right to see a doctor, the right to have food, the right to have clean air and water, the right to an education, the right to...well, you get the idea. Basically, Republicanism is just greed disguised as a political platform, combined with the social mores handed down in the Bible. Well, not ALL the rules of the Bible, of course. Just the ones that make women subservient to men and the ones that let Pat Robertson hate gay people. The ones on shellfish and haircuts are skipped over. Also skipped over? Basically everything and anything Jesus ever said about the poor. Mark 10:21, "Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Rick Perry 10:21 "Perry looked at him and loved himself. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and donate it to my campaign, and you will have a Texan in the White House. Then come, vote for me." Jesus fed the poor. Jesus hung out with poor people. Jesus was friends with a prostitute, and spent his days as a revolutionary activist seeking to end the insane adherence to traditional thinking and old-school, unnecessary moral values. He asked all to give to all. He was, for all intents and purposes, the first socialist hippie. (And he was black, for all you racists still reading.) So we have this paradox where the party of Jesus does the opposite of Jesus' teachings. We have the party of greed supported by the people who claim to do Jesus' work. We have the party of selfish despoilment of the Earth enriched by volunteers whose Bible calls on them to be good stewards of the land. No wonder Ghandi said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I wonder what he'd have to say about Republicans.