Herman Cain is Toast

It looks like the end is near for the controversial narcissist who tried to turn a stint as the Pizza King into a presidential nomination.

For a while, it looked like Herman Cain even had a chance to win. He was up in the national polls, and had captured many of the anti-Romney voters who seem to make up the majority of the Republican base today. He was, and in some polls still is, polling well in Iowa and South Carolina. With some luck, Cain could have emerged as the main opposition to Mitt Romney. Instead, Cain appears ready to turn in his microphone and head back to his home, where he's going to have a lot of explaining to do to his wife, Gloria. Cain's campaign started to pick up earlier steam this fall despite Cain's lack of coherent message. His 9-9-9 tax plan, which would have raised taxes on poor people while cutting taxes on rich people, was laughed off by even the other Republican candidates as a non-starter. Cain also struggled to grasp the basics of foreign policy, at one point suggesting that he didn't need to know those things — as if the President could simply pick up 2000 years of world history and nuance on the fly. This idiocy, of course, only endeared him to the Republican base. They saw the legitimate attacks on Herman Cain's ideas as an assault on not only Cain, but all them. Republicans have a weird identity crisis whereby they assume any attack by the media must be unwarranted, and therefore they rally around the target, circling the wagons. In Cain's case, his supporters beclowned themselves, as Cain's campaign turned from his 9-9-9 plan to his No Childbearing Woman Left Behind Act, whereby a series of women accused Cain of sexually harassing them throughout his career. Even then, with his wife by his side and with denials flying fast, Cain insisted on fighting on. He still had a chance, believe it or not. "I'm not a Republican, but he had a chance to earn my vote," said John Thorpe, the author of this article. "But once I realized I was just about the only American who hadn't been sexually harassed by Herman Cain, I decided against it. I mean, I'm not ugly. I've got nice hair and a cute smile. Why didn't he pick me?" Now we might know why. Herman hasn't been in the market because, according to one woman, he's been carrying on an illicit affair with her for 13 years. Ginger White (you couldn't make up a more stereotypical name) alleges that she and Cain had a sexual relationship that lasted longer than most American marriages, which ended right as Cain decided to run for president. And with that, suddenly Cain finds himself "re-evaluating" his campaign. I'll translate that for you. In political talk, "re-evaluating my campaign" means "getting one of my opponents to cover my campaign debts in exchange for my support and donor list". So, with Newt Gingrich dominating the newest polls, and Cain dropping like a prom date after three wine coolers, look for Herman Cain to drop out of the presidential race by Monday. Unless, of course, his narcissism is so strong that he thinks he can still win, despite being insane, unpopular, a lecherous old creep, a bit of a moron, and essentially a creepy old uncle. In that case, he might ride on through to Iowa. For the sake of what's left of his marriage, I believe Herman Cain will quit by Monday. If he doesn't, I will refund you the cost of this column.