Who Should Replace Gilbert Gottfried? (AFL, ETFC)

Mom always said that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. But maybe she should have said, “If you can't say something nice, your employer might fire you.”

Last night after the market close, Aflac AFL announced that it had severed ties with the squeakiest voice in standup comedy: Gilbert Gottfried. The company plans to find a new voice by holding a nationwide casting call, which all but guarantees that a well-known celebrity won't be selected.

But that doesn't mean we can't speculate on a possible celebrity replacement, now does it?

Ben Affleck

He'll put the “Affleck” in “Aflac.”

Better still, Ben Affleck is a pretty good impressionist. During the 2000 election, he explained his Presidential selection with a spot-on impersonation of Al Gore. Frankly, it shouldn't be that hard for him to go from impersonating a lame duck to simply a duck.

The E*TRADE Babies

They're cute and cuddly now, but it won't be long before the E*TRADE ETFC babies are walking, talking, and cashing in their paychecks for toys and video games. But just because they're growing up doesn't mean they can't have a lucrative acting career. Who better to replace a guy whose voice never deepened than a bunch of young actors who have yet to go through puberty?

The Nanny (Fran Drescher) Or Janice From “Friends”

They may not be the greatest voices on television, but their high-pitched sounds are unmistakable. For better or worse, that's what Aflac wanted with the first Aflac Duck, and that is likely what the company is seeking for the Gottfried replacement.

Charlie Sheen (Not Recommended, But…)

Aflac should in no way consider Charlie Sheen as a possible replacement for Gottfried. But you know what? There seems to be something logical about a guy like him trying to sell insurance.

Think about it: no one needs more insurance than Sheen. He trashes hotel rooms, pays porn stars for sex, uses illegal drugs – and that's just on the weekend. Who knows how he gets through the week now that he has lost his job at CBS CBS.