Your Favorite Companies, As Defined By Urban Dictionary


Morgan Stanley, Bank of America and UBS have all told you how they feel about your favorite stocks. But how do the people — the consumers whose buying habits make or break these market darlings — feel?

Urban Dictionary offers some tongue-in-cheek, Main Street evaluations of companies across sectors. Here are some of the most enlightening.

See Also: The World Of Finance, As Defined By Urban Dictionary

Amazon AMZN

1. (n.) An online shopping service founded by Jeff Bezos that somehow manages to damage any package that you may order.

2. (n.) An industry that doesn’t know how to pay its workers.

Apple AAPL

1. (n.) The company that purposely creates new products that have the ability to have top-of-the-line technology in them but are held back to increase revenue.

2. (n.) The makers of the finest and most expensive paperweights in the world.

3. (n.) A horrendous company that has somehow managed to stay afloat for years and appeal to a mass of misguided people. They specialize in taking existing technology, making it all shiny and fancy looking, and re-selling it for double the price.

Disney DIS

1. (n.) The largest producer of sh--ty direct-to-DVD sequels of their half-decent movies.

2. (n.) A media company that used to make everyone's favorite animated movies. As of recently they're more into mass producing music careers for about six million teenage girls with no talent.

3. (n.) Many of their features are now by-words for narcotics.

4. (v.) To make something so family friendly it takes all the fun out of it.

Facebook FB

1. (n.) A stalker's dream come true.

2. (n.) Facebook is like prison: you write on walls and poke random people.

3. (n.) A perpetual, modern-day, high school reunion from Hell.

4. (n.) A website owned by the CIA used to spy on dumbasses who do all the work for "big brother."

General Motors GM

1. (n.) Because somebody has to make rental cars.

Goldman Sachs GS

1. (n.) A place where only true ballers work. Known for paying super-sized bonuses to hard-working kids who ball hard every day, all day. Also known for doing God's work.

2. (n.) A superlative to be used when describing deception, double dealing or extreme dishonesty in general.

Google GOOGL

1. (n.) A company hell-bent on world domination.

2. (n.) The holy mother of all search engines.

Netflix NFLX

1. (n.) Hulu's dirty little cousin.

2. (n.) A video streaming service that is the reason I'm single; something you resort to when you're procrastinating.

3. (v.) When a business engages in an act of self-immolation, generally for inexplicable or poorly explained reasons.

4. (n.) A convenient, non-awkward term for people to ask for a hookup.

Tesla TSLA

1. (n.) A bada-- electric car.

2. (n.) A campaign to get rich, entitled white guys to help the environment.

Twitter TWTR

1. (n.) A site that makes stalking effortless; socially condoned stalking.

2. (n.) The new replacement for the walls of a public toilet. A place to write one's thoughts, often while sitting on a toilet, hoping the public will read them.

3. (n.) A social media website consisting largely of trolls, slacktivists, cyberstalkers and groomers.

4. (n.) A huge, uneducated, primitive s--- hole where everybody is an expert on the subject and they all have to share an opinion.

Photo courtesy of Amazon. 

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