How to Sell a Windows PC

For generations, salesmen have scratched their heads at the prospect of selling a Windows PC. “It should be so easy!” the salesmen would shout. “They should practically sell themselves!” And why wouldn't they? Why would anyone go on a Safari when they can

a wide web of content right here? Why would anyone take a bite of the forbidden fruit when they could

with Windows? Using a Windows PC is like getting a far-reaching mental view – a Vista, if you will – of the future. A future where “control,” “alt” and “delete” are the keys to unfreezing a machine that just crashed.* A future where service packs are thrown over our shoulders until we collapse under the weight. It's a beautiful future, to be certain. And it's about to get

! Still, consumers are reluctant to buy a Windows PC. They keep flocking to the

and his evil bag of

. But there is hope. I know three secrets that, once revealed, will allow any salesmen to give the gift that keeps on giving – a Windows PC! *Unfreezing a Windows machine is not that different from defrosting a car. Honest.

Microsoft

may not be the Olive Garden, but that doesn't mean the company doesn't want us to feel loved. That's why I propose that Bill Gates team up with the aforementioned Italian restaurant chain for the ultimate ad campaign: “When I'm a PC, I'm Family!” It's catchy, it's memorable, and it fits right in with the current “I'm a PC” campaign.

When Microsoft decided to release a new operating system for cell phones, the company knew that the name was a critical part of its design. Simply calling it a “Windows 7” phone wouldn't be enough. Thus, the tech giant baked the word “Phone” right into the title, creating a new level of mobile brilliance: Windows Phone 7. Windows Phone 7 has been enormously successful, no doubt because of the name and

. It must have sold at least a few million units by now, right? How many iPhones has Apple

sold? One hundred million? How pathetic. Considering the success Microsoft has had with this platform, the company should take a similar path and launch its next desktop OS as Windows Computer 8. This would make the title extra-lengthy, extra-different, and it

make people with old computers think they just bought a new machine!

“Hey Bob, I know you just bought that $1,500 Mac, but guess what? I just got Windows Computer 8!”

Nothing reinforces the popularity of a product like a massive giveaway involving a freebie that is more desirable than the product you're

trying to sell. Thus, if Microsoft really wants to sell a Windows PC, the company should simply give away a free Xbox 360 (estimated value: $200) to college students who buy a new computer priced at $699 or more. College students are smart, so they will do the math and realize that by spending around $700 they can save $200! Brilliant, no?

The preceding was a work of fiction. Clearly Microsoft isn't going to copy the Olive Garden. The next version of Windows will be called Windows 8, not Windows Computer 8. And Microsoft execs would never, ever consider giving away a free game console just to get people to buy a Windows PC. Or

?