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Hi, I'm a CEO. I Ran My Company Into The Ground. Paycheck Please.


These are the words I imagine I'd say if I became the CEO – that is, a Cocky Executive Officer – of a major corporation.

As the CEO of Yahoo! (NASDAQ: YHOO), for example, I wouldn't have to think before I spoke. I could say whatever's on my mind, violate my non-disparagement clause, and still walk away with more than $10 million.

But being loud and obnoxious is never enough. Before storming out of board rooms and complaining to the press, I would be required to provide my company with years of service. I wouldn't, of course. I could not possibly work hard, perform well and still be able to call myself a Cocky Executive, now could I?

But my actions would not be for nothing. At the end of the day, I would drive my company into the ground with the ultimate goal of serving myself. That's obvious, though. Who else would I be serving? The shareholders are secondary. They merely invested money into the company. But me, I'm going to be making money. Lots of it.

I will take $50+ million in annual compensation, stock options included. I will proudly hire my frat buddies from college, ensuring that the Board of Directors is stacked in my favor. I will then manage to magically procure a multi-million-dollar severance package that guarantees my wealth the moment company shareholders finally throw me out the door.

Oh what a wonderful world this would be, filled with yachts, mansions and daily rounds of golf. Remember: I don't need to be in the office to be working. But when I'm away, no one's there to verify my actions! It's not as if people have spy cameras on me 24/7.

If they did, that would really, really suck. Then I might actually have to…have to… No, I can't say the word!

Instead, I will come into boardrooms with the same level of arrogance and idiocy that got me the job in the first place. I will frequently reward the Board with an overabundance of vacations, bonuses and stock options, just to ensure they don't throw me out before the shareholders wise up.

And when all is said and done, I won't take it in stride. But you knew that, didn't you? You knew exactly what I was going to do next. Because the truth is that I have been doing this for a couple of decades now. I'm one of the key figures in our economy's destruction. I have killed more jobs and more organizations than any President could ever hope to create.

But hey – we can't talk about that, now can we? I'm a Cocky Executive, for crying out loud. And I can't be blamed for anything.

Follow me @LouisBedigian


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Posted-In: AllThingsD Carol Bartz Cocky Executive Officer Wall Street Journal Yahoo!Tech Best of Benzinga