'Money Is More Than Money,' Married Financial Advisors Offer Their Best Advice For Discussing Money With Your Partner

For many couples, money is a touchy subject that's best avoided. However, financial advisors Heather and Douglas Boneparth told CNBC that having those conversations can make partners even closer because of how central our finances are to our lives and emotional well-being.

"Money is more than money," Heather said. "Some of the emotions we tie to money include love, safety, independence, trust, control — and that's true for people from any socioeconomic background."

The Boneparths met during their freshman year of college and tied the knot in 2013. In 2016, Douglas, a certified financial planner, founded New York City-based wealth management firm Bone Fide Health. Last month, the couple published their second book, "Money Together," full of financial advice and wisdom for couples.

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Start early, speak often

The Boneparths told CNBC that financially healthy couples start talking about money early, and return to the subject often. 

"The earlier, the better," Douglas said. "But that doesn't mean you have to dive right into the numbers. Imagine talking about that on a third date? Not cool. But there are so many ways to talk about money without talking about money."

Instead, he suggests asking more general questions about your partner's childhood, values, and long-term goals. These topics can give you some insight into their financial habits without getting into hard numbers.

Boneparth also advises couples to return to the topic frequently.

"When you hide financial details from your partner, whether it's debt, spending habits, or something you're just embarrassed about, it never stays hidden forever," he told CNBC. "Having to explain something uncomfortable later only makes it harder to deal with."

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‘Make room' for your partner's perspective

It's rare for couples to see eye-to-eye when it comes to money, so the Boneparths say it’s important to "make room" for your partner's perspective when deciding on a financial strategy.

"Some of our deepest feelings around money stem from our individual backgrounds," Heather told CNBC. "Now, try marrying those beliefs and behaviors with someone else's. It's not easy, and we don't always take the time to understand enough about our partner's underlying feelings around money and why they do what they do."

"I think ‘making room' from a financial perspective means making room at the table for your partner's financial beliefs, goals, appetite for risk and opinions about how you save, spend and invest," she continued.

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Navigating money fairly

Many couples struggle with deciding how to share and split their money and bills. The Boneparths suggest multiple accounts and finding a fair middle ground.

"I've found that joint accounts for managing household expenses work best. It promotes transparency and teamwork," Douglas told CNBC. "That said, there's nothing wrong with keeping your own individual checking accounts, too. Maintaining your sense of financial autonomy can be really healthy."

When it comes to navigating an earnings gap, and determining how much each person contributes to shared expenses, Douglas says finding "financial fairness" is the best way to go about it. 

"When one partner earns or has more, unspoken assumptions can creep in. That's where disparate power dynamics can calcify," he said. "Fairness means you both feel respected and seen for what you value individually and as a couple. One person might earn more while the other contributes in different but equally meaningful ways, like managing the home, raising kids and planning for the future."

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