Who Wants to Get Even Fatter?

Burger King, the restaurant responsible for such monstrosities as the Triple Whopper and that creepy, possible pedophiliac mascot "The King", is once again taking life one step further over the line. This time, they're redesigning their fries to be even more delicious. Well, ok, "even more delicious" is probably a bit of a misnomer, since their current french fries are about as appealing as the cardboard they come in. It won't be hard to improve upon the current, disgusting model. According to Burger King, "The new fries at Burger King offer restaurant guests a high-quality, perfectly balanced product. A thicker cut of potato gives each bite more fluffy, potato flavor on the inside and crispy, golden-brown deliciousness on the outside." Slow down there, hoss. "Restaurant guests"? Not to quibble, but a restaurant has things like a host or hostess, servers, bus boys, actual cooks, food that was prepared by human beings, and, well, actual food. Nothing that is served at Burger King, or any fast food restaurant for that matter, can be called "food" in all but the strictest, most contorted legal sense of the word. Let's break down the rest of the statement. "High-quality"? That's why the value portions sell for all of $1, right? Can you think of any product here in America that is simultaneously one dollar in price AND high quality? Of course not. Such a thing does not exist, because this is not 1940, and a dollar is just a dollar. "Perfectly balanced product"? I don't know about you, but if I am indulging in fast food, I'm not after balance. This isn't a tire rotation; it's a meal to eat while you're driving somewhere more important. It's what you get on grocery day, when no one feels like cooking. It's stress-relief food for when your roommates or your spouse and kids have driven you completely mad. It's not a balanced product — not unless it comes crammed full of vegetables and vitamins and nutrition. It's a damn potato, cut to a strange size and then deep fried. It's a lot of things, but balanced is not one of them. Whatever the case, the new fries will be available at most Burger King restaurants across North America by December 5th. That's Monday, if you're elbows-deep into a Chicken Sandwich and don't want to look it up. Not only are there new fries — they're going to be free for a day. In honor of the new Fry, Burger King has declared Friday, December 16th “Free Fries Friday.” Consumers will be able to go to a Burger King restaurant (chuckle) nationwide and enjoy a complimentary value size order of new fries, with no purchase necessary, while supplies last. “With the launch of our new fries, the home of America's favorite burger now has the best fries in the business,” stated Leo Leon, vice president, global innovation, Burger King Corp. “At Burger King, we constantly strive to make every item on our menu the best it can be. We believe our new fries are the latest example of our commitment to quality and innovation, and we invite everyone to visit our restaurants and taste the difference.” Like my stories? You can subscribe for my free newsletter here. Read more of my stories at Benzinga. You can also reach me by email john@benzinga.com or on twitter @johndthorpe.