Fat Guy Sues White Castle Because Booths Are Too Small

There is an episode of Family Guy where Peter wins a lifetime supply of free hamburgers from the town's burger joint, McBurgertown. Peter eats thirty burgers in one sitting, causing him to have a stroke. He goes on to sue McBurgertown for causing the stroke by giving him the free hamburgers for life. That pretend lawsuit has more merit than the one coughed up by Martin Kessman this week. Kessman, a 64-year-old stockbroker, tips the scales at 290 pounds. He is suing White Castle, allegedly his favorite restaurant, because he can no longer squeeze his hulking carcass into the restaurant's booths. “They're stationary booths,” he told The New York Post. “I'm not humongous, [but] I'm a big guy. I could not wedge myself in.” I find that hard to believe. Fat is incredibly malleable. Surely he could have wedged himself in if he really wanted to. He may have ended up with his manboobs over his shoulder or perhaps below his knees, but he could have squeezed in there if he really wanted to do so. But, he insists he cannot fit in the booths, and we'll have to take him at his word on that point. That leaves Kessman with two choices: call a physical trainer or call a lawyer. Guess which route he chose. According to Fox News in New York, he chose the legal route. Kessman filed a lawsuit in Manhattan federal court because, as he says, the booths in their restaurants violate the civil rights of fat people. And yes, he is using the Americans With Disabilities Act to fuel his legal largesse. He claims that the ADA is "applicable -- not only to me, but to pregnant women and to handicapped people," and is suing White Castle for bigger chairs and unspecified damages. "I just want to sit down like a normal person." It is unclear at this time what White Castle will do. They had previously responded to Kessman's requests for bigger booths by sending him coupons for free hamburgers and by promising to update the booths in the store. Perhaps they looked at the cost of retrofitting their restaurants with elephant-style seating and decided against it? Or maybe, just maybe, in a crappy economy, they haven't come up with the funds to finance a full restaurant makeover. It's not like they can call up Obama and get some of those sweet ObamaBucks to get it done. In any case, I'm not sure Kessman even has a case against White Castle. If the booths are uncomfortable, he can always get his food to go. Is it really a civil rights violation because he'd have to either squeeze into a booth or go through the drive-thru? It's not like they're making him sit at the back of the store with the other fatties. The best part is that his addiction (oh god, have I given him another avenue for legal remedy?) to White Castle food might stop his lawsuit in its tracks. Why? Because he still eats there. They can't very well be violating his right to disgusting food (and come on, White Castle is nasty) if he still has access to it. Only now, he makes his wife run (well, OK, drive) to the restaurant and bring the food home. “My wife went and picked up the burgers ... because I did not want to set foot into the store,” he said. “Any subsequent trips to the store have been made by my wife — I have been like an outcast.” Really, Kessman? You're suing them and you think they're treating you like an outcast? That's like giving a girl herpes and then complaining that she's talking smack about you. YOU'RE SUING THEM! Of course they don't want to see your gluttony around their store. My god. You can reach the author by email john@benzinga.com or on twitter @johndthorpe.