TSA to Stop Taking Pictures of Your 'Federal Reserve'

Well, that's one way to back off the metaphorical Gold Standard.

In an unsurprising twist of events, the Transportation Security Administration announced today that it would be replacing its full body scanners with software that does not highlight the private parts of those who pass through it. Instead, the new software will scan and highlight a generic silhoutte of the human form, and offer either a green OK or showcase red areas where contraband may be stashed. In other words, you're still not going to be able to sneak anything in your cargo bay hold — they're just not going to see the exact shape and form of your booty while scanning you for booty. The change comes after nearly the entire American populace rose up, grabbed pitchforks, and insisted that the government abide by the Fourth Amendment and stop subjecting citizens to x-ray scanners and aggressive, invasive (and strangely erotic) pat-downs. Oh, right. Americans didn't do that. Glee was on and they were busy. In any case, the government decided the constant hassle from people who prefer $12 an hour masochist government stooges

have access to pictures of their bangers and mash was worth investing in software that does the same job, but with a PG-13 rating. “This software upgrade enables us to continue providing a high level of security through advanced imaging technology screening, while improving the passenger experience at checkpoints,'' TSA administrator John S. Pistole said. But don't worry — they are still more than happy to grope you and your children. After all, elderly white women and schoolkids are the new face of terrorism today. We clearly need to either expose them to potentially lethal radiation or molest them. FOR THE SECURITY. Don't be fooled by their adult diapers or transformers t-shirts; for all you know, grandma gave up 75 years of Christianity to blow up airplanes for Allah. And if you disagree, well, you clearly hate America and want the terrorists to win. (Or you read the Constitution.) In any case, the machines are getting updated, but the grope-a-thon remains unabated. So, if you're lonely and can't find a date, grab a cheap flight to Chicago, have a few drinks, and refuse the body scan. (Ask for Susan and her amazing Man Hands). TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.