Benzinga Debunks Rumors about Bin Laden's Death

Osama Bin Laden's death caught most of the world by surprise. He had been hunted for almost 10 years by the most powerful military force ever assembled, across Pakistan and Afghanistan, with a $25 million bounty on his head -- to no avail. For years, rumors have suggested every wild theory, from the one that Bin Laden was already dead to one suggesting he did not actually exist. Then, Sunday night, the White House announced a press conference for Sunday night. The only detail announced at the time was that it pertained to national security. Many folks assumed the worst: a new war with Libya, or Zeus forbid, a fourth conflict somewhere else. Twitter and facebook exploded with rumors, news and questions as people the world over tried to make ascertain what the President was about to mention. And then, for an hour and a half, nothing happened. The President was rewriting his speech with his advisers as the world waited to find out what news was worth interrupting Sunday night television. First, rumors leaked out from the networks that the announcement had nothing to do with Libya, ending that speculation. Shortly after, one media outlet after the other reported that the speech had to do with the possible death of Osama Bin Laden, as well as the possibility that the US had recovered his body. At that point, the internet exploded. Twitter and Facebook started accumulating facts from the government, as well as some pretty ridiculous rumors as to what happened. Benzinga has gathered some of the more ridiculous rumors surrounding Bin Laden's death in order to debunk them, once and for all. Rumor 1: Chuck Norris killed Osama. While plausible that Chuck Norris could swiftly dispatch with Al Qaeda's senior citizen in chief, the alleged means of death just isn't Chuck's style. A bullet to the dome? No way. If it isn't a roundhouse kick to the chops, it isn't Chuck. Rumor 2: Apple is caught spying on consumers; Bin Laden caught one week later. Sometimes, a coincidence is just a coincidence. Then again, Steve Jobs is one crafty fellow. But nah...this one is unlikely. Bin Laden just isn't an Apple kind of guy. He has Windows Vista written all over his forehead. Rumor 3: Checking into a kebab stand on foursquare got Osama killed. This one was totally false. He never checked in to the kebab stand; Bin Laden was, however, mayor of the local dialysis clinic. Rumor 4: Osama will he be back...after all, they buried Megatron at sea, too. This one may take some time to disprove. Megatron was buried at sea and he came back as a tank, with a vengeance. What if Osama does the same thing, and comes back as some kind of immortal suicide-bomber? We better hope Jack Bauer isn't on vacation... Rumor 5: Toby Keith has already written two songs about Bin Laden's death. This one is actually probably true. You know he knocked out at least one patriotic jingle while Obama was speaking. Rumor 6: Osama isn't dead; he's recording an album with Tupac. OK, they found Osama and killed him. Can we please move along and catch the guys who gunned down the world's best rapper on the Las Vegas strip after a Mike Tyson fight. There had to be tens of thousands of witnesses, and no one saw anything? Meanwhile, we track down Bin Laden in a hotel in the middle of a country we're not *technically* supposed to be fighting in? Rumor 7: Snape killed Dumbledo...sorry, wrong meme. Rumor 8: Jason Bourne shot Bin Laden. Unfortunately, no. This kill was all Navy Seals. Bourne was a CIA operative. Right team, wrong guys. Rumor 9: Since Trump demanded Obama's birth certificate, Obama demanded Osama's death certificate. One-ups-manship is not new to the political arena. Candidates used to brag about war wounds or service when others got deferments. Since major contenders for both political parties have sat out the wars of their lifetimes, the best they can do is measure each other via proxy; they chose these topics to keep it g-rated. Rumor 10: ABC cancels soaps; osama gives up. Of all the plausible rumors, this is the most believeable. After ten years of hiding indoors and watching tv, the bearded one had to be addicted to daytime tv. It can't be a coincidence that, as soon as ABC cancels its long-running soaps, we just “happen” to catch him. It sounds more like he turned himself in.