Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump Should Take Their Show to Penn State

Sometimes, covering this election feels like I'm taking crazy pills. Or, more accurately, crushing them up and snorting them by the fistful.

In that case, this story is a bit like injecting the crazy — not the pills, the actual "crazy" — right into one's bloodstream. If you were paying attention last week, you learned that (according to Newt Gingrich) the problem with America's economy is that we have...child labor laws. You know, those crazy rules that make it so a 9-year-old can't spend the second half of his childhood working in a coal mine. Newt Gingrich thinks that these safeguards are an impediment to a great economy, and unfair to children. I think that statement alone makes Newt Gingrich unfit for any office. I suppose most of his ex-wives could agree, as well as whatever few mistresses Gingrich did bed, bath, and be-gone. How can anyone seriously argue for a social view that argues children need to work at adult jobs? Worse, how can anyone who considers himself a rational adult agree with Gingrich and support this kind of outdated thinking? Well, Newt found the one man in America so soulless that even he would support child labor: Donald Trump. Aaah, yes, Donald Trump. The one man so vain that he thought running for President might be a demotion. The ego with the (alleged) hairpiece has become the mouthpiece for child near-slave labor. Brilliant. Every time I think there is no god, the universe throws me a bone like this. In any case, Newt and The Donald met up in New York City this week, under Rich Jerk Rule #34, which states "Any time a rich egomaniac is in the same town as another rich egomaniac, they must meet up and let their collective narcissism ruin everyone else's day." Which, of course, is precisely what they did today. In their meeting, Donald and Newt decided that the best use of their collective powers was to push for a repeal of child labor laws. No, not advocate the end of child poverty. No, not announce a new initiative to save children from starvation and disease. Nope, their big announcement was that 9-year-olds (especially black 9-year-olds) are lazy and need to go out and get a damn job. The best part is how they intend to do this. Because Trump is already the host of Celebrity Apprentice, they're going to use his show to put those pesky kids to work. Kids. Work. Does anyone else think those words don't belong together? “[Newt] did mention if I could do something for some of the kids in very, very poor schools throughout the city, I thought it was a great idea." Trump said to Talking Points Memo. "We call it an apprenticeship and we all know about the apprentice. We're going to be picking ten young wonderful children and we're going to make them apprentices. We're going to have fun with it. It will be something that will prove results. I thought it was a great idea. It was Newt's idea.” And who, exactly could judge such an affair? Newt, who has already said he thinks kids belong in labor camps? Trump, who would build and sell labor camps (between his bankruptcies) if he thought it could make him a buck? Why not go full-moron and grab Jerry Sandusky to monitor the program? What could go wrong? Meanwhile, Trump and Newt were busy slamming Ron Paul, who has said he will not attend the fake debate that Trump is moderating for the other presidential candidates. Paul said it created a circus-atmosphere to what should be a serious process. "I'm actually very surprised that one of my friends would have said that," Gingrich said. "This is a country of enormously wide-open talent. You know, Donald Trump is a great showman. He's also a great businessman. ... I think that we have to be open to new ways of doing things and new ways of approaching things." Ron Paul's campaign didn't take the insult (that he was Gingrich's "friend" might be a bigger slam) without a response. It's a doozy. "We agree, of course, with former Speaker Gingrich — this is a country of people of enormous talent. Those who deliver thousands of babies like Dr. Paul and those who spend their time focusing on promoting themselves for profit. We even have those who lobby, but don't call it such because, as they say, they can make $60,000 per speech. While those of us in the Paul camp might disagree with Newt Gingrich about whether Donald Trump is the right man to host a serious political debate, we do agree New York is a wonderful place to go at Christmas. We are sure two average Americans like Speaker Gingrich and Donald Trump will have a wonderful time picking out gifts for their wives. We suggest a place called Tiffany's, we hear it is quite nice this time of year and given their celebrity status they can probably get special deals and $500,000 lines of credit." Ouch! That has to hurt Gingrich as much as coal miner lung hurt 9-year-olds back in the good old days, when sociopaths like he and Trump could band together to make sure kids pulled their fair share.