Stupid Kansans Legalize Wife-Beating in Topeka

Want to beat your wife, worry-free? Move to Topeka, Kansas.

In a move so shockingly stupid that even my Republican friends were aghast, the City Council of Topeka, Kansas voted to legalize domestic violence this week. I can't believe it's 2011 and I just wrote that. I know that conservatives are not big fans of raising taxes and spending money on anything that doesn't directly benefit their greedy selves, but I think we can all agree that beating your wife should be a crime punishable by law. Or has the gap between the sane left and the lunatic right-wing fringe grown so large that even prosecuting wife-beating is a negotiable government expense? And that's precisely what this boils down. The city of Topeka doesn't want to pay to prosecute domestic violence cases. The county, despite being required by state law to prosecute the cases, doesn't have the money to prosecute all of its cases — so it decided to stop prosecuting domestic violence. Topeka, in a move designed to force the county to prosecute the domestic violence cases, legalized wife-beating in their city, under the theory that the county law against domestic violence would then be the only law on the books, and therefore the county would HAVE to prosecute the crimes. Jesus tapdancing Christ. As if battered women don't have enough to deal with, between the hospital visits, the psychological torture and abuse, the stigma and marginalization, and the worry of how to simply survive when the breadwinner is also the wifebeater. Now they get to deal with watching their bad life choice get even worse, as he is able to beat her senseless without any likely legal repercussions. The ramifications are not even just hypothetical. There have already been real-life results from the law change. So far, dozens of domestic violence cases have been turned away from prosecution and three more alleged offenders have found themselves released from jail. So much for October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One commenter on Reddit did highlight one positive outcome of this law change. Fred Phelps is now in danger of a serious, well-deserved familial beat-down. Commenter w4rfr05t said, " You

this is about spousal abuse. In reality, this is just providing a legal path for Fred Phelps' oppressed family members to beat that f***ing troll to death." Phelps is the anti-gay, anti-American douchebag preacher who leads protests at dead soldiers' funerals and all but invites people to punch him in the face with a tire iron. He also happens to be from Topeka, Kansas. It'd be a shame if one of the former cultists took a bat to his head...for Jesus, of course. The new lack of a domestic violence law might even protect the hero from prosecution. Of course, this is America, and we're starting to get the hang of protests around here. Do you feel like maybe you can voice your opinion on the matter to the geniuses who made this decision? Do you need a list of names and numbers? I've got you covered, friend. You should probably start with the City Manager. His name is Daniel R. Stanley, and he can be reached at 785-368-3725. You can reach the Legal Department by calling Catherine Walter, Interim City Attorney, at 785-368-3883. The Prosecution Office is available at 785-368-3910. Police Chief Ronald Miller can be reached at 785-368-9437. Last, but not least, Republican Mayor William W. Bunten can be reached on his line at 785-368-3895. There were also rumors of a protest set up to demonstrate against the Beat Your Wife law, but the women who intended to protest were too busy patching up cuts, covering bruises with eye makeup, and apologizing for over-salting the pork chops. What a country.