Conservative Moms Group Can Lick My Schweddy Balls...Off a Cone

There is nothing more damaging to American society than a group of bored, emotionally-stunted, limited-intelligence, moral-crusading housewives. They have been a curse on this nation for generations. Bored, angry, under-sexed housewives brought us Prohibition and they brought us the War on Drugs.

And now, they have banded together under the name One Million Moms, set their dustbusters to stun, and are going after popular ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's. Why, you might ask, would they use their nearly unlimited free time to protest an ice cream maker? Because the moms don't like the name of Ben & Jerry's newest flavor. Named "Schweddy Balls", the new flavor is a play off of an old Saturday Night Live skit. NPR explains the story behind the name. "In case you don't get the reference, the skit is a hilarious commentary on NPR's, um, uniquely soothing sound. [Alec] Baldwin plays Pete Schweddy, a guest on a fake NPR show called Delicious Dish. Pete makes holiday treats like cheese balls, popcorn balls, rum balls and his famous Schweddy balls. The skit is an exercise in double entendres." Of course, no one really takes the One Million Moms group seriously. The group is a spinoff of the American Family Association, which is really a front group for the most obnoxiously racist, homophobic, and socially conservative factions of American society. They're the kind of folks who love Jesus but hate the poor, if you get my drift. These are, after all, the same moms who protested Ben & Jerry's last year, when the ice cream maker supported homosexuals with a flavor called "Hubby Hubby". Here's what the group had to say about that flavor. "In the past, Ben & Jerry's has released controversial ice creams, like a special edition of Chubby Hubby called Hubby Hubby last year which celebrated gay marriage. It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry's." Look, if you get your panties (are conservative women allowed to wear panties, or do they have to wear special non-sexy underpants?) in a bunch over the name of an ice cream flavor, and if gay marriage offends you, then you aren't Ben & Jerry's target audience anyway. They won't miss your $4. Enjoy your Walmart brand ice cream and go back to henpecking your husband to buy you that new SUV. Is anyone else tired of the culture wars? I know I've long since grown tired of hearing harpies talk about how vile music is, how video games are ruining our youth, how abstinence among teenagers is the only way to prevent babies, how abortion is murder, how gay people signing a marriage certificate is going to cause god to smite America...and on and on. We have real problems in this country. One in six people lives in poverty, and one in five kids lives in poverty. We have tens of thousands of troops in war zones that we have no business occupying. We have a world economy near collapse. We have wealthy corporations buying elections, and we have one political party stealing the elections that cannot be bought. We have a food system that is manipulated for profit, driving obesity rates up. We have an energy system manipulated for profit that is driving energy costs up and destroying the environment in the process. We have diseases that need cures and we have medicines waiting to be invented. And all these stupid women want to talk about is the name of a flavor of ice cream. Well, I have news for the harpies. Ben & Jerry's released a statement Wednesday afternoon. Your call for action has resulted in plenty of emails and phone calls to Ben & Jerry's headquarters. Unfortunately for you, 90% of them were in favor of Ben & Jerry's doing precisely what it is doing. Include me among that group. When my work day is over, I am headed to the grocery store. I'm on a diet, but thanks to the moms group's obnoxiousness, I will be picking up a pint while I am out. Freedom, my friends, one Schweddy Ball at a time.