Redheads Get Premature Ejection from Sperm Bank

Once again, redheads are discriminated against for being extra awesome.

Last month,

reported that the world's largest sperm bank, Cryos International, had pulled the plug on donations from redheaded men. “Demand for redheads is still high in Ireland, according the clinic, but apparently it's not enough to persuade officials at Cryos sperm bank to continue accepting them,” MSNBC wrote. “It has 140,000 doses of sperm from redheads, and that's enough.” I, for one, am personally offended by this troubling development. Sure, we redheads might be a fair-skinned bunch that has to avoid the sun at all costs. But we are a beautiful people! Take a look at the cast of Desperate Housewives:

It isn't just the delicious-looking pie that makes Marcia Cross stand out. Where would the world be without redheads? I don't need to tell you that Superbad would have been super bad without Emma Stone. (Yes, I did just borrow that silly joke from Entertainment Weekly. But it's true!) Further, where would Mad Men be without Christina Hendricks? How awful would Wedding Crashers have been without Isla Fisher? Redheads are some of Hollywood's elite. Why would any sperm bank wish to deny the world of future stars and millionaires? I know times are tough. I know that there are thousands of boneheaded parents who think they don't want a redheaded child. But instead of banning donations from the world's coolest and most sophisticated people, Cryos International should use this semen surplus to properly educate future parents about the benefits of having a redhead in their family. Who knows – you might just give birth to a comedian, a late-night talk show host, or even a world-renowned snowboarder. Follow me @LouisBedigian

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